Princess Diaries 1,27
by Marjorie Nescio
Summary: The newly wedded Queen learns that Mia lost her earrings. As a result Genovia is in grave danger.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's note: I wanted to try my pen on a parody. It resulted in a quest to safe the country, an enemy who's into asides, a couple of naughty dwarfs, suggestive remarks (not that many mind you: the story is T-rated) and references to and quotes from various films. The fact that_ Naked gun 33 1/3 _that was part of my research got stuck in my video recorder for many months is not responsible for anything._

Scene 1 – a rose is a thing of danger

In the castle's garden a pretty girl and a young woman walked side by side. The latter carried a flower-basket that was empty safe for a pair of garden shears.

"Look Charlotte: there are journalists waiting for grandma and Joe to arrive!" the girl cried out as she gestured toward a gate where reporters and camera-teams gathered. "I'm so glad they're returning! What do you think grandma will say when the reporters ask her how her honeymoon was?"

Charlotte was about to reply but the girl already continued: "Now I'm gonna act like grandma."

She took a sip of her water bottle. "Of course grandma would never drink out of a bottle, so this was just me. Hold on." She cleared her throat and in a polished voice, very unlike her own she said: "The weather has been _lovely_ and my husband and I enjoyed having some quiet time together."

Charlotte nodded and the girl laughed. " _Normal_ people wouldn't want _quiet_ time Charlotte! Not on their honeymoon, hello! But most people who get married aren't old right? Well, of course grandma ain't old. Not _real_ old. Like ninety or so, but still, she's not young you know. But Joe looks like a passionate man. He would wanna... you know?"

The girl meaningfully raised her eyebrows. Charlotte fainted.

"Charlotte? Earth to Charlotte?" Mia said. She poured some water over Charlotte's face. When Charlotte regained consciousness she blushed, got up, and handed Mia the garden shears.

"Why don't you pick her some flowers for her room princess Mia?"

"She'll like that won't she?"

Mia tried to cut a rose but she cut her sleeve instead. On her second attempt she cut her thumb.

"Whoops," she said.

A bodyguard holding a first aid kit jumped from a tree. He swiftly put a bandage on the princess's hand.

"Cool, thanks."

After bowing deeply the man got up in the tree again. Charlotte quickly took the shears away from the girl and walking from flower bed to flower bed she cut along.

"I'm so relieved that Parliament decided that I won't have to be a Queen yet," Mia said. "Oh I know: some of the MPs just wait for a chance to get rid of me but I'm not gonna be scared away by them. Besides, did you know that during sessions of Parliament many of them knit? Like they're not even MPs at all! Weird! Anyway, I can finish University and prepare myself and then when grandma's getting tired, I'll step in. I'll be fine right?"

"Uhuh," Charlotte replied.

On one of the castle's towers a herald emerged. He blew a trumpet.

"Her Majesty is about to arrive!" Charlotte nervously told Mia. "She is to meet the Prime Minister first and then she and Joe – I mean, Sir Joe, will go to her – their- suite! At tonight's official ball to mark the anniversary of the Renaldi reign, founded in 978 Anno Domini, they'll dance together!

Mia yawned, grabbed the flower-basket and said: "I'll put the flowers in a vase. See you Charlotte!"

Running over the lawn the princess left a trail of roses. She slipped repeatedly but her bodyguards - jumping from trees and emerging from bushes to protect her - ran along with her and prevented her from falling.

Scene 2 – baths are fun!

A light breeze played with the curtains in the Queen's sitting room and with the two flowers that remained of Mia's bouquet. From another part of the suite came a cry and the sound of boxes falling.

There she was: princess Mia sitting on the floor in her grandmother's dressing room, covered up to her shoulders in shoe boxes.

"Well, at least I got them all now," the girl reasoned. Getting up she tried on a pair of very high heels. She stumbled out of the dressing room into the bedroom and kicked the shoes out. The left one ended up in a small chandelier. Mia moaned. The right one connected with a frame on a night stand. In a hurry to see what damage was done Mia jumped on the ancient four poster bed. It proved to be bumpy and she almost hit the bed's tester before falling back on the mattress. "A ceiling for a bed? That's just so... grandma," Mia said staring at the carved and painted tester that showed flowers and eyes. "That would freak me out. I hope I won't have to sleep here when I'm a queen."

She got to her knees and reached for the frame: its glass was broken. She carefully took out the postcard that had been framed. It showed a long train riding into a small tunnel and in print the words 'Cremallera de Montserrat'. The princess read the backside. There was no address on it, just the words _I will soon return to duty_. Mia shrugged and opened the night stand's drawer.

"I'm not curious, I just wanna know," she said as she checked the drawer's contents. She found a sconce and sighed at the old fashioned style of her grandmother. When she found a Disk World Novel* she paged through it. A shining golden key that was secured in the margin nearly blinded her and she put on a pair of sunglasses.

"Interesting!" she said when reading the key's label: _belongs to the secret vault underneath the royal bath_.

Mia hopped to the bathroom and walked around the bath.

"Yeah!" she exclaimed when spotting a pink arrow pointing to a key hole. She put the key in, turned it and soft tinkling sounds accompanied the opening of the vault.

"Wow!" Mia said when seeing the sparkly contents. She dropped herself to the mozaic floor and going "Oh!" and "Ah!" she took out tiaras, bracelets, necklaces, brooches, rings and earrings. She threw a diadem into the air and amazingly it landed on her hair. She did the same with a brooch and it magically pinned itself onto her shirt. Two earrings sparkled their way up and fell down in slow motion. Smiling broadly Mia bent her head backwards to receive them. Her eyes widened when she saw them come down right above the bath. She rose and stretched out her hands to catch the jewelry.

TINKLE TINKLE

Mia couldn't prevent the earrings from disappearing into the drain.

"Oh s**t!"**)

Endnotes

*) Disk World novels are written by Terry Pratchett. You should try one too: if it doesn't make you laugh out loud, you'll smile, but in a better way than Wednesday Addams did after announcing that she desired to be perky.

**) = there is no p**p in the wonderful world that is Genovia!


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's note: thank you readers for following and reviewing._

Scene 3 – crucial dealings

The Queen bent over an antique table in her suite to inhale the scent of the flowers Mia left behind. Joe stood behind her and turned her toward him.

"All the while you were talking to the Prime Minister I wanted to drag you impossibly close to me mi amor. I longed to feel your soft feminine curves press against my hard muscled chest querido. To see you blush mi vida when you feel the proof of my desire for you."

"Oh darling, has that ever made me blush? Seriously Joseph you sound like a hero from a romantic novel."

"Romance is my middle name corazón. Passion is my third name mi seductora."

Joe started kissing the Queen's neck and in between he said: "You are the sun around which I move and tonight I will make you go supernova mi estrella. I will start by nibbling your lips while my arms will imprison you but a sweet imprisonment it will be mi paloma. I will caress your back, cup your delicious bottom, rip off your clothes and-"

"Stop talking?" the Queen huskily interrupted.

"Don't you find the sound of my deep manly voice exciting mi reina? Doesn't it deliciously vibrate through your body, heating the blood in your veins … uhm… A synonym dictionary!"

Joe ran to a bookcase. It took him some time to locate a Spanish dictionary and to find a suitable endearment. When he, with a relieved sigh, faced his bride again, he found her sitting on a sofa and working on her embroidery.

"Where was I?"

The Queen put down her needlework. "You were at _Heating the_ \- "

"Si! Heating the blood in your veins- (Joe briefly looked in his dictionary) mi monada."

The Queen rose. "Mi monada? Ducky?!"

Joe dropped the book and took a step back. "No no no! It means sweetheart."

There was a knock on the door and Mia entered. The girl ran to the Queen but misstepped and somehow turned her fall into a somersault.

Joe applauded her. "Seven out of ten princess!"

The Queen held up an embroidered 6.

Mia walked toward her and hugged her. "Welcome home grandma!"

The Queen warmly smiled at her granddaughter. "Thank you my dear. Now can you say grand _mother_?"

"Sure."

"Please prove it."

"Grand _mother_."

"Good. Do keep that up."

Mia hugged Joe. "So Joe, did you have a nice time?"

Joe looked at the Queen in a latin-lover way and walked toward her. He kissed her left hand. "It."

Right hand. "Was."

Left hand. "Per."

Right hand. "Fect."

"Ah! This is so romantic! It's almost as good as a foot popping kiss!" Mia cried out while whirling with wide open arms. When she fell over a footstool and disappeared out of sight, the Queen passionately kissed her husband but the moment Mia rose, the Queen looked perfectly composed again. Joe quickly walked to a French window and stared outside to hide his excitement.

"But _you_ should really try to be romantic too grandma! Other! You only just returned from your honeymoon and you're doing needlework again. That is so unromantic! You should go and make long walks under a full moon or go rowing on the lake or sit on Joe's lap and watch a James Bond movie. Did I say James Bond? I mean _You've got mail_ or -"

"Amelia?" the Queen said in a sugar coated voice that made Joe close his eyes and swallow hard.

"Yes?"

"What have you done?"

"Nothing." Mia's face turned pink. "Nothing at all."

Under the Queen's glare the princess's face turned red. "I was just trying on some of your shoes."

"And then a brooch fixed itself to your shirt?"

Covering the jewelry with her hand Mia said: "No it didn't."

The Queen raised her eyebrows.

"Mia," Joe, still looking out of the window, said, "Give in."

"IwasjustgoingthroughyourfaultIdidn'ttakethisbroochmyselfandsomeearringsfellintothedrainandeverythingwassobeautifulIguessbeingaQueenhasitadvantagesright?"

Joe, alarmed, took a stand next to his Queen.

"Describe the earrings," the Queen calmly ordered.

"They were... shiny?"

Joe walked to the bookcase and took out a big volume: _House Renaldi jewelry_. He placed it on a table and the Queen made her granddaughter sit down in front of it. The Queen opened the book. Front, back, right-side and left-side pictures of a pair of pearl ear-studs showed, with plates containing a number.

"No," Mia said.

The next page shows ruby ear-studs. "Nope. They were long."

Skipping some pages the Queen made the girl watch a pair of dangling diamond earrings.

"No. They were green."

The Queen inhaled deeply and sat down next to her granddaughter. Mia turned a page and in doing so accidentally tore it. Joe took over, turning one page after the other until Mia cried out: "Found them!"

"Asterisco!" Joe cursed and he poured the Queen, who looked white as a ghost, a glass of water.

"Don't worry grandma, the insurance will pay, right?"


	3. Chapter 3

Scene 4 – drop everything!

"Amelia, you don't understand how horrible this is," the Queen said, "At tonight's ball I will have to wear those earrings, or the country will became the property of the nobleman who can kill a sheep with a spear from a distance of three metres and who can then prepare a meal from said sheep that will gain the approval of three distinguished chefs and make a shawl from the late sheep's wool with the tricolour of Genovia knitted into it."

"Oh! That's why they're knitting all the time!"

"That's all you can think off?! Seriously dear girl. Now, we need help to find the earrings."

"I could call the papers and ask for-"

"No publicity Amelia. I don't want anyone to find out or certain people will prevent us from finding the jewelry."

The Queen walked away and as she click-clacked to the exit the door was opened from the outside by a bowing doorman. Joe and Amelia followed the Queen into a marble corridor.

The Queen clapped her hands. Seven suits of armour moved toward her.

"Wow!" Mia cried out.

"Gentlemen," the Queen said, "We are on a quest."

"Hurrah!" all knights exclaimed.

"The emerald earrings went down the drain."

The suits of armour shrieked with fear.

"Honestly!" the Queen remarked. "Are you true knights? Let's do this again shall we?"

The knights returned to their original stations. The Queen clapped her hands. Seven suits of armour moved toward her.

"Wow again!" Mia cried out.

"Gentlemen," the Queen said, "We are on a quest."

"Hurrah!" all knights exclaimed.

"The emerald earrings went down the drain."

"We will find them Your Majesty!" the tallest of the knights said.

"That's the spirit!"

"Where do you want us to start our brave mission Your Majesty?"

"We'll go down one floor."

scene 5 – enemies find out

 _AN: quotes from_ Mary Poppins

In a marble hall Charlotte and a bearded gentleman had a discussion in front of a grand staircase.

"I am a Member of Parliament, MP for short which does not stand for Many Pees, as some people think. More importantly I am a peer of the realm. Not to be confused with the fruit 'pear' that is one of Genovia's most well known export products. Being a peer with double e, I can have an interview with Her Majesty any time I want to Miss Kutaway."

"Her Majesty only just returned from her honeymoon sir."

Upstairs the Queen, with a commanding gesture, stopped her knights and granddaughter from following her down the stairs.

"Good morning Viscount, Charlotte," she greeted the MP and her secretary.

The Viscount looked at her and her groom with barely disguised dislike. He kissed the Queen's hand, holding it a little too long. Joe's eyes became slits.

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your company Viscount?" the Queen asked.

Her voice drifted up and so did the Viscount's reply: "I wanted to see whether you'd safely returned to our beloved country ma'am."

"No, he doesn't," Mia whispered to the suit of armour that stood nearest to her, "he's always out to try and hurt grandma and me."

"What did she say?" the knight next in line whispered.

Mia pushed knight One aside to repeat her words to knight Two. Knight One stumbled and fell, reaching out a mailed hand to knight Two, who grabbed hold of it, only to be dragged down himself. Knight Three tried to rescue them but he too tumbled down the stairs and in his fear to fall he took Four with him. The Viscount and Charlotte, seeing the danger ahead of them, hurried away from the stairs and Joe pushed the Queen out of the way against a wall and protected her with his body as the suits of armour rolled down passed them.

It took a moment ere the noise of wrought iron on marble died down.

The Viscount took a few steps back toward the stairs and asked the Queen, who was still pressed against the wall by Joe: "Would you be good enough to explain all this?"

"First of all, I would like to make one thing clear."

"Yes?"

"I never explain anything." Gently shoving her husband, who kept his face to the wall, aside, the Queen continued: "Now Charlotte, there's some cleaning to do here. Could you escort the Viscount to yonder meeting room?"

The nobleman, slightly flabbergasted, followed the young woman. The knights got up their feet with some difficulty and went in search for missing parts. The Queen bent to pick up a codpiece. Joe stood mesmerized by the sight of her long elegant and perfectly manicured fingers caressing the piece of metal. He folded his hands in front of him. The Queen handed the codpiece to a knight and whispered to her husband: "It's hard being a man isn't it darling?"

Before Joe could respond Mia and the remaining knights cautiously came down.

"Sorry grandma. Other. I just... I didn't mean to. It was just like, you know."

She pushed against a knight and sure enough he stumbled and took down another knight in his fall. "Like that."

The Viscount, who had _almost_ been ushered out, pointed at the knights wide-eyed. "They only come alive by your command. And you can only command them when there's a threat to the crown!"

"There's no threat to the crown!" Mia cried out. "They're just here to help look for the earrings!"

The Queen briefly looked at the ceiling.

"No, not the earrings," Charlotte whispered before she fainted.


	4. Chapter 4

Scene 6 – favours asked and returned

AN: (mis)quotes from _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs_ , _Cinderella_ and _Tamarind Seed_.

The Queen issued orders. As a result Mia unceremoniously dragged Charlotte up while two knights and Joe surrounded the nobleman. The Queen, walking in a perfect straight line, approached him.

"I take my leave ma'am," the Viscount said.

The Queen gave him a knowing smile and shook her head. "And run to your peers in Parliament to tell them about our quest? No Viscount, I'd rather keep an eye on you. You will accompany us."

The nobleman, outnumbered as he was, didn't have a choice and nodded. The Queen asked Charlotte to retrieve the castle's floor plan and the secretary rushed away. While the Queen instructed her granddaughter and the knights, the Viscount's expression changed from chagrined to vicious. "I will join you," he said while looking away from the others.

"I look forward to that Viscount," the Queen replied evenly.

"I beg your pardon ma'am, but it was an aside."

"Oh I'm so sorry," the Queen said with a becoming blush.

"An aside?" Mia asked.

"Yes princess. Just remember that whenever I do this," he said, while looking away from his companions, "See? Like that, it means that it's an aside. No one can hear me then."

"Cool."

The Viscount smirked again and looking over his shoulder he said: "I will join you. But I will not aid you. On the contrary. You have brought in a Trojan horse ma'am. I have trained all my life for the Evening of the Missing Earrings and I will do everything in my power to prevent you from finding those earrings. MUAH MUAH MUAH."

Charlotte returned and handed the Queen a floor plan. "Your Majesty, why is the Viscount laughing?"

"I don't hear him Charlotte. It must be an aside."

Charlotte nodded understandingly. After apologizing to the Viscount she told the princess – for the Queen and Joe were checking the map - "I like asides in a film."

"Yeah," Mia exclaimed, "Like in _Richard III_! He was so mean, but I felt like, you know, I was on his team somehow. Weird huh?"

The Queen handed the floor plan back to Charlotte and said: "Please don't use the word 'like' so ill chosen Amelia. Our first stop is the ballroom. Come along please."

Charlotte hurried to the doors leading to the ballroom and opened them so the Queen could walk in.

"Can you actually open a door yourself?" Mia snidely asked her grandmother.

"I've seen people do it and I'm sure I'll manage little one. Now everyone: the plumbing from the royal bathroom is situated behind the golden mirror. This might be a little tricky. We have to approach the mirror quietly, in order to take it away. The knights and Amelia will therefore remain here."

Mia seemed insulted that she wasn't allowed to come along but when the Viscount apologetically shrugged at her, she brightened up.

The Queen, Joe, the Viscount and Charlotte tiptoed toward the mirror. The Queen gestured Joe and the Viscount to lift it from the wall and Joe took off his jacket to show his impressively muscled arms. The Viscount reluctantly held one side of the golden frame which apart from a three dimensional crown on top showed various fruits.

From the hall Mia called out: "What's with being silent anyway?"

An angry looking face appeared on the mirror's surface. "Who approaches me?" it cried out while at the same time the golden fruit on the mirror's frame started to grow.

With a yelp the Viscount stepped away from it. Mia excitedly ran into the ballroom.

The Queen briefly glanced at the ceiling but despite her annoyance she addressed the mirror with a smile. "Good morning John."

Mia giggled. "A mirror named John? That's like a vampire named Bill."

"Are you mocking me girl?" the mirror said.

Mia merely smiled brightly and said: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

The mirror huffed and addressed the Queen: "What wouldst thou know, my Queen?"

"Hello, what about answering me?" Mia asked.

The mirror, the Queen, Joe and Charlotte replied: "You misquoted!"

 _An understandable mistake Your Highness_ , the Viscount mouthed to Mia.

"She is young and needs some grooming," the Queen told the mirror. "John, may I present my granddaughter Amelia?"

"Ah! Eduard Christoff Philippe Gérard Renaldi's girl. She has his ears doesn't she?"

"Oh man! Like I have huge ears or so. I'm not the Easter Bunny!"

"Cheeky just like her father!" the mirror said. A golden bunch of cherries fell from its frame.

"She is," the Queen agreed. "Now, John, we'd like to check something in the wall behind you. For that we'll need to remove you for just a moment."

"All right, but you'll have to pay the price."

"A price?" Mia cried out. "Mirrors in fairy tales never ask for a price."

"Mirrors in fairy tales rhyme. Do I?"

"We understand you John. But since we are in a hurry... can we do a quicky?"

The Viscount turned red as a huge golden banana dropped to the floor.

"No, we can't Your Majesty. I want it all. With variations."

The Queen sighed. "Just Joseph and myself?"

"I look forward to it."

"Well, all right then." The Queen took of her bolero and handed it the flabbergasted Viscount whose eyes were fixed on the Queen's amble bossom, just like Joe's.

"Charlotte," the Queen said, "could you turn on some music? It will make what we have to do a little easier. A medley will do."

Charlotte hurried to a tapestry on the wall and shoved it aside to reveal an orchestra of blind musicians. "Her Majesty requires music," she told them.

The maestro raised his hands and the musicians started to play the _Bolero_.

The princess merrily cried out: "Yeah, dirty!"

The Queen and Joe danced. The Viscount wiped his brow with the Queen's bolero. Mia hopped around waving her arms and legs about. She broke a small statute and the mirror tsk-ed. Charlotte didn't notice it captivated as she was by the dancers: "Oh, look at them! They are so perfect together. They dance as if they were born for it. His strong arms hold her so possessively and oh..."

Charlotte fainted and hit the floor. The music changed to a waltz.

"I'm horrible at waltzes," Mia confided to the Viscount.

"Don't you worry Your Highness," the Viscount smoothly said, "you will master it, I'm sure of it."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely."

Mia smiled happily.

"Are you the sweet invention of a lover's dream or are you really as beautiful as you seem?" Joe seductively whispered into the Queen's ear.

"Do I want you!" the Queen huskily replied.

"Because I'm wonderful or am I wonderful because you want me?"

"Don't mess up my wanton remarks darling."

The music changed to a fast paced jive. The Queen and her husband whirled by so fast that they became a blur. Mia whirled around too and stepped on a golden strawberry. Golden fluid oozed out. The mirror tsk-ed. Mia slipped but the Viscount prevented her from falling.

When the music died away Mia applauded the dancers and the mirror cried out: "Brava, bravo! It was a delight to see you. You may remove -"

"It's not a small favour Her Majesty requires mirror John," the Viscount said, "Wouldn't you want others to dance with her as well?"

"Well, you are right sir."

"What about other entertainment?" Joe quickly asked. "The princess and I could play basketball." Gesturing toward the mirror's top he added: "That crown will serve as a basket."

The mirror made a face. "On the other hand," he mused, "you are in a hurry and I will not stop you. You may take me off now. What is it you want to check?"

"Some jewelry went down the drain John."

"Oh, was that it? I heard something tinkling by a while ago. It went down."

The Viscount boldly took the map from Charlotte and after studying it with lots of "aha's" and "I see's" he announced that the drains went down to the dining rooms.

"Are you sure?"

"Positively Your Majesty," the nobleman said while folding the map and putting it in his coat's pocket. When the Queen, Joe and Charlotte stared at him, he said: "Please believe me: I have the best in mind for our beloved country."

"Give him a chance grandma. Other."

The Queen seemed unconvinced.

"Would you say I have a conscience?" the Viscount asked the Queen.

"Well, perhaps not a very big one," the Queen said with a smile.

"But I have one, that you may know for sure. And I will stop at nothing to save Genovia. So please, let us go down."

The Viscount took the lead and Mia, after shaking her head at her grandmother for being distrustful, followed him. Charlotte and the knights trailed along.

"We have to find a way to lay our hands on that map," the Queen whispered to Joe.

"I want to lay my hands on you mi amor."

"You just did."

"But you were dressed. What do you wear underneath?"

"One of Genovia's export products," the Queen said as she walked after the others.

"Pears?" Joe said as he came along.

"Think again darling."


	5. Chapter 5

scene 7 – games can be so annoying

AN: quote from _Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc._

While walking fast paced to the dining rooms the Viscount and Mia chatted along.

"Do you know how Her Majesty lost the earrings?" the nobleman asked the princess.

Mia shrugged. " _I_ lost them. Silly huh?"

"Not at all Your Highness. This morning _I_ lost my cuff links."

"You did?"

The Viscount revealed his unfastened cuffs.

"I have other cuff links but I was in a hurry to go to Parliament to serve Genovia, so I didn't allow myself to select another pair."

Mia smiled happily. "You _do_ want the best for Genovia, don't you?"

"Let no one think otherwise, my princess. And that's why I too want to find the earrings. Ah, we've arrived," the Viscount said, for he spotted a plate on a door reading _The Green Dining Room_. Let's wait here so the Queen your grandmother can catch up with us."

"Okay."

"Did you know that I have a nephew?"

Charlotte arrived, followed by the knights, one of whom wanted to convince her of something: "It's far cheaper than the anti-wrinkle stuff they sell in fancy stores. You should try it too m'lady." The knight held up a little brown bottle with a label reading _joint oil_.

The secretary looked at the princess for help but Mia could only think of one thing: "A young nephew?"

"He is a few years older than you are. If I may say so, he is rather good looking, unlike me, huh?"

Mia ignored his question and said: "What's your nephew's name?"

"His name is Nicolas. In my family first born males are either named Arthur or Nicolas."

The Queen and Joe arrived. "You're a knight, not a beautician Knight. Get that oil of Charlotte's face," the Queen ordered. "Is this the room Viscount?"

"Yes it is Your Majesty."

"Let us enter then."

The Viscount opened the door and after another look at the map he confidently led the way to a small painting on a wall. It showed a piece of parchment, an ink stand and a feather quill.

"This is where it should be," the Viscount said as he grabbed the frame. The only person who wasn't startled when the quill started writing on the parchment was the Queen.

"This is so Harry Potter!" Mia cried into Charlotte's ear, "What does it write?"

"Truth or dare or the panel won't open..." the Viscount read. Immediately the words faded and others appeared and the Viscount read those aloud too: "The youngest present will challenge all of you once."

"Yeah!" Mia cried out. "That's me, that's me! What shall I do, what shall I do? Charlotte, can you do a Salchow?"

"No daring Amelia, we hardly have time for that," the Queen remarked while glancing at her watch.

"But the painting said truth or dare," Mia whined.

"Aren't you curious to learn a bit of truth?" the Queen said in a sweet voice.

Mia giggled. "Yeah, I am. Grandma. Other I'll start with you. But what shall I ask what shall I ask? Who is your favorite Bond vilain?"

"Xenia Onatop," the Queen reluctantly replied.

"Isn't that the one who kills that admiral when she's you know..."

"Yes I know."

Mia giggled again. "I went through your nightstand and I didn't find kinky things in it."

"Kinky?" the Viscount asked while wiping his brow with a huge blue handkerchief.

"Yeah, like handcuffs or so."

Charlotte fainted.

The Queen looked puzzled: "Handcuffs? I'm not a police officer Amelia."

Mia opened her mouth to reply, but the Queen continued: "If there is a burglar or so I will contact security and they will arrest him."

"Security? I will knock him out myself. I may be approaching seventy but I think you know that I'm in excellent condition my Queen," Joe said in mock offence.

Mia giggled and addressed Joe: "The Viscount told me that men in his family are named Arthur or Nicolas. Is that the same in your family? Are you like named after your father's father?"

Tearing his eyes away from his regal wife, Joe said: "No, I'm not princess."

"Your mother's father?"

"No, my brothers are named after our grandfathers."

"So were you like named after your granny Josephine or so?"

The Viscount smirked and Joe cried out: "No! I am very masculine!"

"But who were you named after Joe?" Mia insisted. Joe tried to stop himself from answering, but the nature of the game made him reveal: "I was named after my grandfather's Yorkshire."

"The dog? You are named after the dog? Ha ha ha!" the Viscount cried out.

"Why don't you ask Charlotte a truth question now, she just became concious again," the Queen told her giggling granddaughter while she pressed Joe's hand reassuringly.

"Allrighty. Charlotte, what's with your family name?"

"I got it from my father. He's a marshall."

"Right. Now to the Viscount please," the Queen urged. "If you think it over, there must an interesting question to ask him?"

"Uhm..."

"Such as, do you want to bring down the Renaldi reign?" the Queen suggested.

"You should relax a bit," Mia said to the Viscount's secret relief and pleasure. "He didn't even put in cuff links because he was in a hurry to go to Parliament and serve the country. He's cool! And besides, I already know what to ask him: Viscount, do you have a picture of your nephew with you?"

The Queen briefly looked at the ceiling.

The Viscount looked away and said: "Isn't this girl just a delightful creature?"

Facing the others again he replied: "As it happens, I do, Your Highness. Let me get it for you."

He reached into the inner pocket of his jacket but when the painting suddenly swung aside, revealing a dark hole behind it, he told the princess that he'd show her the picture another time and before Joe could reach the wall, he blocked the hole with his body and reached inside it with his right arm.

"Why don't you step aside and let my husband take care of it Viscount?"

"No ma'am, a man in his position, spouse to a Queen, shouldn't be doing this."

He reached inside with his other arm also.

"Feel anything? Feel anything?" Mia asked after a while.

"I think so."

"Yeah!" the princess cried out.

The Viscount got his arms out of the hole and showed the Queen his right hand, palm up.

"You're not dirty at all!" Mia said. "Whenever my mum had to fix the plumbing, she always got dirty."

"This is a castle darling," the Queen said, "there is no such thing as dirt here. Unfortunately Viscount, there are no earrings either."

The nobleman looked at his hand.

"Such disappointment," he said.

"What's that you hold then?" Mia asked.

"Two flinters of hardened green soap," Joe replied.

"I'm sorry," the Viscount said, "It felt like the real thing."

He threw the soap back into the hole and the painting positioned itself again. The Viscount then took the map from his pocket and studied it.

"You're holding it upside down Viscount," the Queen informed him.

"Oh, I see. How clumsy of me."

"You read the writing on the wall, please let me read the map Viscount," the Queen said with a charming smile.

The nobleman inclined his head and handed his liege the folded piece of paper.

 _See?_ Mia mouthed to the Queen, _He's all right!_

The Queen gave the girl and the Viscount a vague smile and after studying the map she announced that they would have to go through the kitchen to reach the wine cellar.

"Hold on!" Mia cried out when the Queen turned to leave. "What about a really cool exit grandmaother? Like in a film. You owe me a daring after all and it won't cost any time."

"What do you have in mind Your Royal Highness?" the Viscount asked before the Queen could object.

Mia positioned everyone from back to front:

K6...K7

K5...K4

K3...K2

...K1...

VM...CK

M...J

...Q...

"And now let's walk out in slow motion and look grim and mysterious," Mia instructed.

And they did. It did look fabulous. Until Mia slipped that is. Something like that never happens in a film does it?


	6. Chapter 6

Scene 8 – household tasks

From behind a door marked as _Royal Kitchen_ merry singing came along. When the servants saw the knights march in, they became silent and when the Queen entered, they bowed deeply. In front of the royal party were two doors, separated by a cold fire place.

"It is the left door," the Queen said, while regally nodding at her servants.

"I'll get it!" Mia cried out and she walked past the knights and opened the right door a crack. A broom and a mop hit her on the head.

"Oops! I always mix up left and right," the princess said. She planned to close the door when she spotted a life-size laminated picture of her grandmother in an evening gown on the inside of the door. The picture showed her back and the Queen looked over her shoulder.

" _Hello_!"

Next to the picture people wrote down: _Lucien came here_. _So did Roger._

"Is that like Genovian?" Mia asked Joe who showed up at her side. "You know instead of saying "Lucien _was_ here? And why would someone want to say that he was in a storage room?"

Before Mia could throw the door open for everyone to see the poster Joe hid a cleaning cloth that hung to the side.

"You're a sneak!" Mia cried out as everyone looked at the life-size picture. "That dress barely has a back! You look like a movie star! And you look cheeky!"

"Queens are uncapable of being cheeky. I will allow for meaningful."

"Story!"

"Excuse me?"

"What was the meaning? You have to tell the story."

"We have better things to do."

Planning to enter the wine cellar the Queen gestured the knights, who were all staring at the picture and passing each other the joint oil, to step away. When they did her bidding, the Queen found the fire place lit with a cosy fire. The Viscount placed a comfortable velvet cushion in the rocking chair placed next to it.

"Please please please?" Mia begged.

"Yes, Your Majesty," the Viscount said, while wiping his forehead with a huge green handkerchief, "I would very much like to hear your sweet voice telling us a tale."

All present invitingly gestured toward the chair.

"Oh, all right," the Queen gave in. She elegantly seated herself and all kitchen servants instantly sat down on the floor. Mia dropped herself right next to a bench. Joe picked her up and made her sit down on it. The knights, the Viscount, Charlotte and Joe remained standing. Smiling at all of them the Queen started: "Once upon a time..."

She looked around.

"What is it grandma- Other?"

"Something is missing."

A maid got up to pour the Queen a cup of tea.

"Thank you Anna."

The Queen took a sip. "Lovely. Now, once upon a time…" She stopped talking again.

"Grandmaother?"

"Fire place, rocking chair, tea…"

"Would you like a guitar Your Majesty?" the Viscount asked.

"A guitar? Are we seated on an Austrian meadow?" Looking puzzled at her own words, the Queen added: "Besides, I can't play the guitar."

"What a shame!" the Viscount exclaimed. "It would be so nice to have a musical intermission. I can just hear it."

"I think I can hear sheep on the meadow Viscount," the Queen said pointedly. "Now what is missing?"

"Perhaps it is your umbrella, the one with the parrot head?"

"Honestly Viscount, who would have an umbrella with an animal's - There is no dog!"

"Bark bark!" came a voice from the corridor.

A butler opened the door and a Muppet dog walked in.

"Dover reporting for duty. Is there a storyteller present?" he said.

"Yes there is," the Queen replied. She gestured to the spot next to her chair. "Please lay down right here Dover."

The dog obeyed and lay with his head on his paws. The Queen sighed contently. The servants expectantly eyed each other: the tale was really going to start now!

"Once upon a time in a lovely prosperous country there was a King. His marriage was said to be solid but he was notoriously unfaithful to his Queen."

Mia took her thumb from her mouth. "Where was it? Far far away?"

"Obviously it was in Genovia," the Queen replied, "Now -"

"Fairy tales are always far far away."

The Queen looked at the ceiling. "For a girl from San Francisco, it was far far away."

"That's good!" Mia whispered. When she offered no other comment, the Queen continued:

"On a cold winter's day a picture appeared in a magazine. It showed the King sitting on a chair with a woman who was clad in a tattoo of a rose just above her derriere kneeling between his legs."

Mia's expression showed incomprehension.

"Because the woman had more or less the same figure and the same hair _I_ had, and I'm very fond of roses, people liked to think that it was a picture of shall we say: domestic bliss. The King said nothing to change people's minds. And _that_ Amelia is why at the earliest opportunity I wore that dress."

Once more everyone stared at the opened closet door. The Viscount wiped his brow with a huge pink handkerchief.

Mia still didn't get it. "To show people you're hot?"

"Really girl," the dog said, "does the lady on that picture have a tattoo right above her butt?"

Addressing the Queen he added: "Great back!"

"Thank you."

"And then what?" Mia asked.

"Then nothing. The truth came out. I was nearly blinded by the flashing of the cameras as well as frozen to the bone. The end."

The audience applauded except for Mia. As the servants start working again, Mia continued to look puzzled, as did Charlotte.

"I don't get this story," the princess said through the servants' merry singing.

"She wore that dress to show Genovia that _she_ wasn't the one doing something M-rated," the dog impatiently explained.

Charlotte fainted into the arms of a knight. Realization now dawned on Mia: "You're a bad dog!"

"Nonsense. He's spot on," the Queen said. She caressed the dog's head. His tail beat the floor. Joe looked at the Muppet jealously. The animal smirked at him.

"Now, it's about time to continue our quest," the Queen told her granddaughter. "Follow me please."

A knight picked up Charlotte and draped her over his shoulder and the Queen's party left. Soon after the door to the wine-cellar fell close behind them, it was openend again and Joe stepped out.

"Roger. Lucien. Here."

Two trembling men approached him.

"Stars or bells?" Joe asked them.

"Can it b- b- be little b- b- birds sir?" the bravest of the two said.

Joe nodded and punched both of them on the nose. They dropped to the floor. The Muppet dog showed his teeth to the sparrows circling their heads which made the little featherballs flee into the castle crying out: "Danger! Danger!"

Joe went back into the wine-cellar. Just before the door closed behind him, Dover followed him.


	7. Chapter 7

Scene 9 – In vino veritas (which isn't quite applicable really, except for the vino, but I just like the sound of the expression and it starts with an 'I' – in case you hadn't noticed – and we are in a wine cellar.

The Queen and her posse walked through the dimly lit wine-cellar.

"We are making good progress, aren't we Your Majesty?" Charlotte said while staring at the codpiece of the knight who carried her.

"Oh Charlotte, I wish you hadn't said that."

"Why not grandmaother?"

"You are indeed improving little one. The reason why I said 'Oh Charlotte, I wish you hadn't said that' is that dramatically it announces some horrible delay."

"Really?"

"Yes really Amelia. In ten nine eight,"

Everyone joined her in counting backwards: "Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.""Halt!" an unfamiliar voice cried out.

"Yeah!" Mia said, "Just like you said, this is so cool."

"Silence! Who's there?" the same voice said.

"Who are you?" the Queen demanded.

"I am Pinot Noir."

"Excuse me?"

"You should say that! I've been here since 1984!"

The Queen stepped closer to the wall with its build in shelves holding wine bottles.

At about eye-height there was an angry face on a cork.

OoOoOoO

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the cellar:

"Look, there's a note," Joe cried out.

"What does it say?" Dover asked.

"It says," Joe said as he read the note, "'We went that way'. With an arrow pointing to the right. But I don't recognise the hand."

"It's not the Queen's then?"

"No."

"Nor the princess's?"

"No."

"Nor Charlotte's?"

"No."

"Knight one?"

"I doubt any of the knights can write."

"The Viscount can, can't he?"

Joe nodded. "But if _he_ wrote 'right' they probably went left."

"Well -"

"Stt dog. Let me think. He wants to sabotage our quest. That I am sure off. So he would sent me into the wrong direction. Except he knows that I don't trust him, so he might give the right direction, thinking I wouldn't trust him and therefore I'd take the other way. But if he knows that, he might also give the wrong direction, thinking I wouldn't trust him and therefore I'd - Ah. I can't think straight anymore."

Joe reached into a pocket and produced a picture of his Queen. "Querida, I miss you. I miss your silky skin and your generous bossom pressed against my muscled torso. Oh, where did you go?"

"You know that dogs have very sensitive noses right? Follow me Romeo."

"It's Romero."

OoOoOoO

Back to the story's heroine:

"Pinot Noir I presume?" the Queen asked the angry face on the cork.

"Indeed. I'm the chairman of the EfBS."

"What's that?" Mia asked.

"The Equality for Bottles Society."

While her granddaughter asked Pinot Noir about his society, the Queen studied the map. She looked around her to locate their destination and gestured her companions to follow her.

"But he has a complaint," Mia said.

"Yes indeed," the Viscount helped the princess, "Pinot Noir, is there anything Her Majesty can do to right this wrong?"

"If there is it will have to wait until tomorrow," the Queen said.

The Viscount looked over his shoulder and manically said: "You will be packing your bags then!"

"But tomorrow you're schedule will be loaded yet again ma'am," the Viscount said to his companions.

"Yeah," Mia chimed in, "And we are here now, so..."

"Remember what we are looking for Amelia. Our quest takes priority."

"I know what you are looking for," Pinot Noir said with a devious expression. "To get there you need to remove Merlot. And he's a member of our society. And know that a bottle can't be removed unless it agrees to be removed."

"Really?" Mia asked and she tried to take Pinot Noir out. "Man, you're stuck! Can you try it Viscount?"

The nobleman pulled with all his might. "No Your Highness."

"In that case it is up to persuasion," the Queen said. She walked over to a small set of shelves and asked to speak to Merlot. A face appeared on a cork.

"Good afternoon Merlot," the Queen said, "I am Queen Clarisse. I under- "

"You're Eduard Christoff Philippe Gérard Renaldi's mother," Merlot said. "He came here often, just like his father."

"Then I'm sure you'll honour him by giving me access to the drains in the wall behind you."

"He freed a Merlot three years my junior and a Bordeaux that was made in my year. I forgot about the others. I begged him to take me, but I'm still here, am I not?"

"You are indeed poor Merlot," the Viscount said. "It is an outrage and I'm sure Her Majesty will do her utmost best to bring you justice. I feel that if she drank you, you would be satisfied and allow her to remove you?"

"We have 105 members!" Pinot Noir cried out.

"Drink us! Drink us!" came tiny voices from all over the cellar.

"I have to dance tonight. I can't possibly drain that many bottles," the Queen remarked.

Mia giggled at the thought of her grandmother being drunk and Charlotte couldn't help but giggling along. The knights recalled the days of their youth and bragged about how much wine and beer they could stomach back then. The Viscount told Pinot Noir that his request was reasonable and just and that he shouldn't succumb to royal pressure. The Queen whispered into Merlot's ear: "Perhaps no one told you that old wines are the best? The older a bottle, the more esteemed it becomes. The fact that you are not yet opened, proves that you are valuable."

"Whatever she says, don't listen to her Merlot!" Pinot Noir called out.

Merlot apologetically smiled at the Queen. She gently touched his tiny cheek.

"Two lovers, a fire place, grilled meat and you," she said slowly and seductively, "In five years time you will be poured into an expensive eighteenth century carafe to add lustre to a night of passion."

Turning beet-red Merlot said: "You may take me out to reach the wall! Promise me to have me in five years time."

The Queen gave him a luring smile. "Promise."

The moment her hand grabbed Merlot's neck and pulled him toward her Pinot Noir screamed: "Treason! Defenders! I call upon you!"

Just then Joe and Dover appeared around the corner. "What is wrong?" Joe cried out. The floor started to tremble and he, the Queen and all others - dog, humans, and knights alike – disappeared from sight.


	8. Chapter 8

Scene 10 Jolly good sport

Quotes from / references to _The Lord of the Rings: the two towers, My fair lady, The Sound of Music_ and _Pretty woman_

As the dust cleared away, two things became clear. The first thing was that some members of the Queen's party had made a more fortunate landing than others. Joe had somehow managed to dive underneath his royal wife to protect her. He didn't seem the worse for it. "Is everyone all right?" the Queen asked while still laying on her husband.

"I'm more than fine," Joe whispered.

"I'm okay. I landed on poor Charlotte," Mia said.

Everyone got to their feet. Mia was the first to notice a circle of brightly shining axes that seemed to float in the air around them. The axes hung at about hip height. The princess screamed. The knights stopped exchanging fallen parts and eagerly drew their swords, forming a protective wall around the Queen's posse.

"Growl!" Dover said.

"We defend," came a deep voice from the dark.

"As do we!" Knight One boomed.

The axes moved nearer and their owners emerged from the shadows: fearsome looking dwarfs, clad in leather. Their progress however was stopped by some stones falling from a rock wall. Everyone looked up. At first all they saw was a sparrow, but looking higher they noticed the Viscount who hung some four metres above the earth floor and held on to the wall with both hands. The Queen narrowed her eyes and focussed on the Viscount's sleeves. The Viscount looked down, for all people who are afraid of heights and/or of falling from a height, will do that. It's a given. Seeing that he'd gained an audience, the Viscount said: "That was deliberate. It was deliberate."

"Bro!" the dwarfs cried out. They dropped their axes and formed a pyramid underneath the Viscount. Moments later the nobleman found himself standing on his own feet again. He was questioned by the dwarfs: "How did you get to be this big? What do you eat? Sausages? Or sprouts?"

"Yak," one dwarf said. "Image that: sprouts!"

"Breakfast, lunch, dinner, all snacks in between: if I'd get that big, that's all I will eat," another dwarf said.

A red-haired dwarf silenced the others and told the Viscount: "Bro! There are worlds! Worlds we know about. Worlds we can not reach. We belong!"

The Viscount didn't have a clue as to what the dwarf was referring to, but it was obvious that they wouldn't attack _him_ with axes, so he inclined his head and smiled understandingly and said: "Are you all right Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness?"

This made the dwarfs rush back to their axes and attack the knights. To the Viscount's disappointment the knights stood their ground and though the dwarfs' height gave them some advantages, it was soon proved that a knight without lower legs was still a formidable soldier.

Looking over his shoulder the Viscount said: "How delightful to see the Renaldis under siege. Yet, their era will end tonight, thanks to me and it will bring bad luck for my reign to start with their funerals."

Turning his head toward the ungoing battle, the Viscount cried out "Oh, do stop fighting!" He started to walk around the circle of soldiers, repeating his line. Suddenly he saw a dwarf being dragged forward by a knight. Soon afterwards a yelp made the other dwarfs stand frozen, much to the knights' dismay. At the Queen's command they parted and the Viscount as well as his newly found brothers saw Her Majesty holding her hostage in front of her, while threatening to tickle his nose. The dwarfs paled.

"Grandmaother?" Mia tentatively asked.*

"Dwarfs of Pyrus," the Queen said, "sons of sons of sons of sons of sons of sons of sons of sons of the seven sons of Vildo, who was the seventh son of Uildo. You have been allowed by King Juan II and his descendants to live in the Castle's cellars. We do not take kindly to you attacking us."

From another part of the cellar the sound of footsteps approaching was heard.

"And nor do I!" a deep voice said. "Dwarfs! Drop you weapons!"

Looking disappointed the dwarfs nonetheless obeyed rapidly. A dwarf whose goatee was grizzled with grey approached from the shadows, followed by six other dwarfs. The arrivals all wore tunics over leather outfits. The leader said something in dwarf language that made his people look down at the muddy floor.

"Thank you Dildo. I fully agree," the Queen said when he was done talking. "The nature of your contract with the bottles does not require cold steel. At ease knights."

The knights obeyed. The dwarf who went by the name of Dildo walked toward the Queen and kissed her hand. She fondly looked at him.

"It has been a while since you came to me," Dildo said.

Joe frowned.

"Yes, I know. I went on a honeymoon. May I introduce you to my husband Joseph and my granddaughter Amelia?"

"Your name is Dildo?" Mia asked. "I mean really? That's just weird."

"Oh really?" Dildo asked while winking at the Queen.

"'Do' means that he was the decendant of Doty, the founder of the Pyrus dwarf dynasty. The 'l' refers to the fact that he himself is a seventh son and the first D stands for the generation," the Queen said, "the 'i' is his parents' choice."

"That's cool. In our world a dildo is a sex toy."

Charlotte fainted.

"Well, I'm just a dwarf," Dildo said. "And you," he told Joe, "are a lucky bastard."

"Shaka shaka bam bam!" the other dwarfs cried out.

The Viscount took a huge yellow handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his brow and said: "I heard something about a contract?"

"Ah yes that," Dildo replied. "Word reached me that you are looking for something."

"Yes," the Viscount said. "An earring. I mean earrings."

The Queen frowned.

"You've come to the right place."

"I take it the earrings aren't stuck in the wall behind Merlot?" the Queen asked.

Dildo nodded. "The only place where they might have ended up is in my private bath."

"Let's go and have a look," Mia said. "Are you coming along grandmother?"

"By George, she's got it!" the Queen cried out. "Keep it up little one!"

Mia looked very pleased and started whirling around, accidentally stepping on Charlotte's hand.

"Much as I'd love to show you my bath, I can't," Dildo said, "Some parts of our world are only allowed for dwarfs. And first we have to handle the contract. What about a race?"

"As in running?" the Queen asked incredulously.

"Ay."

"I'm very fit," Joe said.

"Huh. Well you may compete," Dildo started, but an acient looking dwarf from the group he'd brought along coughed to show he disagreed.

"What is it Cymdo?"

"To participate in a race is only allowed to … erm... creatures who are no larger than 120 centimeters. Toe to head."

"Oh dear," the Viscount said, "I'm afraid even _you_ are taller Mr Romero."

The Queen held Joseph's hand. "Would _you_ care to run Dover?" she said.

"I'm a fireplace dog really. But since you looked smoking hot in that dress, I'll do it. Bark!"

While the Muppet was being patted by both the Queen and Mia, Dildo cried out in his own language and his men set up a race track. The dog and a dwarf by the name of Erédo took their positions. Dwarfs and visitors stood around the track.

"Three rounds!" Dildo announced. "If the dog wins, I will check my bath for the earrings." He winked at the Queen and continued: "Deufdo will comment. Ready? Three. Two. One: go!"

Deufdo started reporting as if he were reading from a dictionary.

"What does he say grandmother?"

"And there they go," the Queen whispered. "Erédo is a champion but the ball of fur gives him a good match. Oh, how unfortunate that Erédo's axe makes him unstable while rounding the corner. He tumbles and tumbles along and he's up at his feet again, dumping the axe in the process. Could someone get those sparrows of the track?"

"Yeah," Mia commented for there were several sparrows following the Muppet. Just when it seemed that the dwarf wouldn't catch up with the dog, the sparrows attacked the latter's head.

"He guys, that's not nice," the girl cried out, but she felt a bit embarassed when the rest of the audience, safe Deufdo and the translating Queen, remained silent. The Viscount bent toward Mia and whispered: "These people mistake a race track for a library."

Mia giggled, her eyes focused on the exciting race.

The Muppet managed to get rid of the sparrows but they'd slowed him down and when entering the third round Erédo was very close. The dog then nearly tripped over the dropped axe and Erédo came neck to neck with him.

"Come on, Dover! Come on Dover! Move your bloomin' arse!' Mia cried out.

Her exclamation made Charlotte open her eyes. The Queen dropped her gaze to the floor. Joe put an arm around her shoulders.

Whether is was due to Mia's encouragement or to the fact that dogs are made to run and dwarfs are made to study stones and fight fiercely, I know not, but Dover crossed the finish line with a full head's advantage.

The dwarfs showed that they were the sportive type of small people by cheering and applauding for the four legged winner. Charlotte and Mia ran over to the Muppet to hug him.

"I want to kiss you senseless," Joe whispered into the Queen's ear.

"Our quest has not ended yet," the Queen whispered back. Both she and the Viscount watched Dildo as he left to check his bath.

"Does he actually wash himself in the water you bathed in?" Joe said.

"It's good for the environment not to use a lot of water," the Queen said. She diverted her husband's attention from the subject by pointing at the Viscount who was by now surrounded by some dwarfs who questioned him about food and size once more. Most dwarfs however were lining up in front of her and she charmingly greeted each and ever one of them and posed for a dwarf artist making drawings.

When Dildo returned he walked passed the line of dwarfs hearing things like:

"Doe a deer?"

"By the grand diamond: Far a long long way to run is more likely."

"La a note to follow So?"

"No, they aren't _that_ big."

"Have you found them?" the Queen asked Dildo once he'd stopped in front of her.

Dildo showed her the one earring he had found.

The Viscount, Mia and Charlotte came toward them. "Only one? What a shame!" the Viscount said.

Charlotte started hyperventilating.

"Asterisco!" Joe exclaimed. "What if I kill the three distinguised chefs? That way none of the nobleman will be able to win!"

"Or what if you wore a fancy headpiece leaving one ear covered up? Like a fashion statement," Mia nervously suggested. "Or like a bandage around your head and then we'll say that you have an ear-ache."

"No Amelia," the Queen sadly said. "I'm afraid that will not do."

She inhaled deeply and extended her hand to the Viscount, who took it in triumph, thinking she wanted to congratulate him on his future kinghood. The Viscount, as you may recall, has trained all his life for the Evening of the Missing Earrings and to his own knowlegde he was the most likely winner of the Contest for the Crown of Fair Genovia. The Queen placed her other hand on their linked hands and the Viscount, who'd read books on body language and dominance, quickly placed his free hand on top of the Queen's. Or so he thought. She'd moved up, tinkling the skin of his left wrist. The Viscount rather liked the sensation and he reasoned that it might be a politically smart move to marry Queen Clarisse. King Arthur and Queen Clarisse. That sounded quite wonderful.

The Queen released his hand and showed him the earring.

"Here it is," she said.

"Well ma'am," the Viscount said, "I don't think _I_ will be required to wear that."

"Ij'arme takker**," Dildo said. He too held up an earring.

Panicking the Viscount grabbed his left sleeve.

Joe smirked and, while placing an arm around the Queen's waist, told him: "It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful."

"YEAH! Hurray hooray!" Mia cried out though she didn't understand how her grandmother had saved the day. All she understood was that two earrings are better than one earring and that her action in the royal bathroom hadn't caused the nation's downfall. Hurrah!

Now I mentioned dwarfs being into stones and fights. I forgot that they can also throw great parties. And that is just what they did until the humans – safe one – had to leave to prepare for the ball.

Endnotes

*) Naturally Mia was afraid that her poised grandmaother was a torturing lunatic or that she was going to do something kinky without using handcuffs. Fear not for any of that: as it happens a dwarf's nose is prone to ticklishness and dwarfs make an embarrassing spectacle of themselves when they are being tickled. Hence the other dwarfs' response. The fact _how_ the Queen had learned about this little weakness is not to be discussed here.

**) You poor sucker


	9. Chapter 9

Scene 11 – kingdoms and balls go together like birds of a feather

That may well be, but how to describe a ball? Well, it was a glorious affair with sparkling chandeliers. Of course hardly anyone realised that the Queen might have entered (double doors, yay!) sans earrings, so it wasn't as if she got hailed like Babe got hailed after all jurors gave him a perfect score, but she knew that she'd prevented the country from going down the drain and that was enough for her.

Now: the clothes. Just let me tell you that Mia wore a beautiful Cinderella gown and as much bling as you like. She stepped on eight toes (two of them her own) and with her being a beautiful princess, people found her charming because of it.

The Queen looked stunning and danced define and a musical should have been made in her honour for that alone. 'Dancing Queen - ' (that's ABBA, so hum along if you like, here we go again:) 'Dancing Queen, sen-su-al, nearly seventy'.*

Joe – looking quite smashing in his black tie (that's European for tuxedo, in case you thought about something naughty, but if you did: go ahead) - had to endure the awful sight of seeing other men**, far too many other men, dance with his Queen but he managed to hurt no one, for he wouldn't get lucky that night if he did. Every time he succeeded to steal a dance from his bride, Charlotte stared out of the window, not wanting to faint again. She forgot however that glass reflects and it was a good thing that she wore a fat suit and a helmet.

So much for the ball. It's time for the final scene.

Endnotes

*) Ten years after its birth I finally got to know YouTube. I'd already written this line when I found 'Julie Andrews – Dancing Queen' by MayaLoveJulie. Have a look, if you're a Julie Andrews fan you'll like it.

**) Viscount Mabrey sat in the dwarfs' cellar. He heard merry sounds coming from above but he was unable to dance for the dwarfs questioned him about food and he had a hard time convincing them that as a 'little dwarf' he'd drank milk only: dwarfs grow up on chocolate cookies, butterscotch and raisins. The dwarfs demanded that he'd help them kidnap a cow. The Viscount looked over his shoulder and said: "I'll get there. The throne will be mine one day."


	10. Chapter 10

_AN: It has been years since I started writing this parody and I enjoyed selecting quotes and thinking of appropriate things to happen in the heroine's castle. Most readers remained silent (thank you Guest, Riaam and WildMeiLing for commenting) but I do hope to have made people smile. Enough chatting, here's the_

Final scene - lmnopqrstuvwxy zing in the bedroom

(mini)Quotes from _The princess diaries 2, Gone with the wind,_ _Mary Poppins_ and _Victor/Victoria_

Dressed in her gorgeous evening gown the Queen placed her hairbrush on her dresser. "I still can't believe that Amelia made that remark," she said.

"What remark mi reina?"

"About the handcuffs. It was thoughtless and tacky."

Her Majesty used the mirror in front of her to look at Joseph and her lips curved into a devious smile. She rose and turned around. "And there are far better ways to tie someone."

She walked to her bed where Joseph lay naked, his private parts covered by a censor bar. His hands were tied to the bedposts with shawls of Real Madrid. The Queen trailed her nails over his calf. Joe swallowed hard. The bar became bigger.

"I'm a little nervous mi reina."

"A large part of you isn't."

Joe moaned.

"And it was your idea," the Queen said.

"But I'm a fan of Atlético."

Mesmorized by the sight of his wife, Joe failed to see a pair of eyes on the tester's painting blink.

OoOoOoO

On top of the tester six dwarfs were watching Dildo who eyed the humans underneath.

"At least tell us what's going on," Cymdo said.

"She's caressing his muscled chest and blowing against his hard nipples."

A collective moan rose from among the dwarfs. Dildo told them to be quiet and he informed his men that the Queen was now gently pulling at Joe's earring.

"Ouch!" they heard from below.

"Not so gently anymore," Dildo reported. "That lucky bastard."

After that Dildo was silent for a while, which made his men urge him to report.

Dildo cleared his throat and told his companions that the Queen was smiling at Joe in a predator way.

"What is she doing?"

"I can't see that. The censor bar is covering her hands."

"That lucky bastard!"

OoOoOoO

"Querida," Joe breathlessly said, "If you keep me tied up -"

OoOoOoO

"OMG! You didn't mention that Dildo!"

"Yes well, he's tied up."

OoOoOoO

"- at least let my eyes ravish your body."

"Well it is getting a bit hot, isn't it darling?" the Queen huskily said.

OoOoOoO

There was the sound of satin fabric falling to the floor. Both Joe and Dildo moaned appreciatively.

"What is she wearing?"

"A scrap of lace."

The dwarfs tried to drag Dildo away from his key position.

Here's a clock's minute hand racing forward.

Safe for Dildo, all dwarfs, most of who gained bruises and even cuts, sat cross-legged on the tester, drinking beer and passing on tapas. A cry coming from the bed had one of them use a piece of chalk to keep a score. There was a long line of markings already.

"I'd almost pity him. Tied up by a minx who is a master at driving a man wild," a dwarf said, "Lucky bastard! If only I were his size!"

An intake of breath by Dildo had all dwarfs focus on him.

"She's straddled his stomach!"

"Finally!" the dwarfs replied in a chorus.

OoOoOoO

"Ride me!" Joe begged. "Take me! Please querida!"

"In a moment darling," the Queen said in a bewitchingly low voice, "I just realized: have we made the mandatory reference to a film yet?"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"That's practically perfect in every way!" the Queen replied.

OoOoOoO

There was a sobbing sound, followed by a man's, a woman's and seven dwarfs' cry of "Yes!"

"Hold on men!" Dildo said, "It's really gonna start now!"

He was right: the activity on the bed nearly caused the dwarfs to fall of the tester. They all got covered in tapas and beer, but none of them minded. When the bed stopped moving, Dildo stuck his index fingers in his ears. The other dwarfs held on to the bed, in case there'd be another lovers' quake. Rythmic moaning whirled up and then a tone came from the bed, reaching higher and higher. Dildo's companions covered their ears with their beards. Moments later all beer bottles burst into fragments as thin as fairy dust.

"What in hell was that?" Cymdo asked no one in particular.

"Bflat," Dildo replied.

OoOoOoO

The Queen collapsed unto Joe. They were both thoroughly spent.

And that dear readers, announces The End.

The End

This parody was made possible by – in no particular order – Charlotte K., Leslie Nielsen, Dover, Mia, C&J, Arthur Mabrey, green tea, the dwarf community of Pyrus castle, the PD-fandom and – hold on: the Queen is rolling over and winking at the tester. Why would she do that?


End file.
